there is an economy to how people believe in themselves
and it is not evenly distributed
some people talk like they already belong here
like value was assigned before they arrived
like nothing about them has to be negotiated
i watch that and i think
maybe i learned value backwards
through effort first
through doubt second
through comparison always
having an opinion is not enough, it is not enough that it exists
it has to be recognized by someone with authority
or money
or status
and what i mean is
as a woman
and as a minority in a place like san francisco
sometimes it feels like you are already being measured before you even speak
like the voice is there
but it comes with conditions
like it needs backing to be taken seriously
and that creates this quiet question underneath everything
am i being heard
or am i being evaluated
in this place confidence is not personality
it is infrastructure
it moves faster than truth
it builds rooms before you even enter them
and if you don’t move like that
you start to think you are late to something
you were never invited to
but the truth is also simple in a way that doesn’t feel fair
everything already exists before it is validated
and most things are ignored before they are understood
so i don’t ask for validation or understanding anymore
because for many i don’t even have a voice
and the only space i occupy is the one that my looks can give me